Last week, we lost a valued member of our bicycle racing team, Charles "Thunderbolt" Smith. I know that many of you, like us, were wanting a fuller explanation of his accident. Well, thanks to a full investigation led by the Mountain Home police department with assistance by the Consumer Product Safety Commission, the Idaho Department of Parks and Recreation, amateur video, and the Federal Aviation Administration, we now have a more accurate understanding of what happened to our beloved Chuck.
As many of his friends know, Chuck liked to ride his bike on County Road 51, just South of Mountain Home, ID. The police determined that Thunderbolt lost control of his bicycle due to a punctured tire around 11:52 am. Charles was traveling southbound at a speed of 15-18 mph. Upon further investigation, the Idaho Department of Parks and Recreation identified the source of the puncture as a goat head frequently encountered by many cyclists in this area.
Like many devoted cyclists, our beloved Thunderbolt had prepared his tires with Tire Puncture Sealant at the beginning of the cycling season. Unfortunately, the Consumer Product Safety Commission discovered that Chuck ignored manufacture guidelines and applied an amount of sealant in excess of 10 times the recommended amount. Of course, if you knew Chuck, you know his favorite saying was always, "Anything worth doing, is worth overdoing!" This revelation explained why the local coroner found traces of tire puncture sealant in Charles' left eye.
The excessive amount of puncture sealant forcefully left the tire through the puncture hole made by the local goat head. In a freak accident, the sealant shot into Chuck's eyes and distracted his ability to successfully navigate his bicycle to a controlled stop. Thanks to some amateur video taken by a passing car, we can briefly see Chuck grasp his eyes in apparent shock before blindly riding into oncoming traffic. Thankfully the turnip truck was able to stop in time and Thunderbolt hit the truck with minimal force and was knocked to the ground without apparent injury.
The autopsy determination that Chuck was killed by a rapidly traveling piece of material baffled the entire investigating team. Initially it assumed that Chuck was struck by a meteor, but we were mistaken.
As the investigation continued in the warm afternoon sun, a rather unpleasant smell wafted across the accident scene. Investigators found that the sun melted a large amount of frozen urethra and fecal matter scattered about the accident area. This new evidence led the FAA to conclude that a large block of "blue ice" fell from a passing airliner which ultimately, and fatally, struck Chuck with a force equivalent to 6,000 pounds of thrust.
RIP Chuck. We will think of you every time we ride over a goat head, fill our tires with a dangerous amount of slime, claw at our eyes, hit a turnip truck while riding our bicycles or simply when we are about to be crushed to death by 3 tons of frozen bathroom waste. We love you.
Editors note: The local bicycle club voted unanimously the change Chuck "Thunderbolt" Smith's nickname to "Lucky".
This story is purely fictitious. Any resemblance to actual events happening to any person, living or dead, is completely accidental.